Self-Image, and getting a little sentimental

DISCLAIMER: I am a woman, I have a vagina, and I have girly feelings. Just because I am a gamer doesn't mean I am tough as nails and witty all the time. Please understand that the following post will include some touchy subjects, and some personal experiences that are very close to home for me, if not about me entirely. Any negative remarks left in the comments will be deleted and could warrent a nasty response from me because I refuse to take crap from people on the following post. Thanks, and lost of love <3

Warning: This post may cause tugging of the heart strings, tears, the need for hugs, and/or an immense amount of chocolate. Please read at your discretion and keep a box of tissue/something huggable handy.


For those of you that know me personally, you know that I call myself fluffy. For those of you that dont... SURPRISE! I'm severely overweight. I weigh 334 lbs as of this morning. (Yes I posted my weight publicy... What of it?)  I am told I don't look that way, and that I carry it well, but none the less, it is unhealthy for me to be at this weight. My family has a history of obesity and diabetes. If I don't fight it now, I will pay for it GREATLY later. On top of this, thanks to my weight, I have a terrible self image. I look at myself and I see someone who is unattractive and undesirable. I have a wonderful group of friends and an amazing boyfriend that say otherwise though. They all try to support me and help me, but some don't realize how hard it is to lost. I can't run. It hurts to run because of the weight. I get winded if I walk to quickly up the flight of stairs in front of my house. My legs go numb if I sent on the floor because my weight alone cuts off circulation. I am in a very bad state. I'm starting to go out walking more now that the weather is getting nicer, but there is a long road ahead of me, and it's going to be painful. I know this, and I will warn you, it will probably be all documented here. I will sound like I am bitching a lot, but I need to. If I complain to some people they tell me to suck it up, and I just need someone to understand.

This bring me to my point. Never say you can't do it. Never say you are not beautiful. Never say that you are not sexy. To someone you are beautiful. You can do what you set your mind to. You can achieve your goals, it just may be a little painful along the way. I want you to know what I go through, to hopefully inspire some of you to do the same. And if you want to do something like what I am doing, finally dropping those extra pounds, feel free to find me on facebook. I will support you and encourage you because I know it's hard. When it's that time of the month I know that french fries or chocolate or chips is all you want, but it's not a good idea. Maybe a small amount from time to time, but order the small fry, not the "heart attack in a container" size. I know all of you out there struggling with weight can do it. Even if it's just changing eating habits, or starting a work-out regime, you can do it. Don't give up on yourself, because I haven't given up on you. I know you can do it.

Now to a more personal rant. I've had a whole ton of family issues lately. My grandfather is dying of cancer, and I don't want to face it. He had a stroke before I was born, so he doesn't really know me. He sees me as my mom, because I look a lot like her when she was my age, other than I have now been walking 1 year longer than she was. (For those that don't know, my mom had a car wreck when she was 21. She has a T12-L1 spinal cord fracture and it has left her paralyzed for the last (almost) 32 years.) He is so sweet, and even though he doesn't see me as me, he knows I'm special. His face lights up when he sees me. He realizes that I am family, just not sure where I belong, if that makes sense. I can't send him a care package or a letter because the woman that cares for him just throws them away and donates the items I send because she claims "They just upset him" It hurts because the cancer he has is not operable, which means he doesn't have long to live. They arn't doing treatments because it's the quality of life that matters not the quantity at this point. I understand, but I want to be selfish and say treat him until I can visit and say good bye. He's my grandfather, don't I have a say in the matter? I just want one more hug, and a goodbye.

Also, my mom being in the wheelchair, has issues with weight. She has to lose some soon or her weight alone may take her to an early grave. How can you expect someone who is paralyzed from the waist down to lost weight. So she's doing a diet where she is practically starving herself, and she is quitting smoking. Quitting smoking = awesome. Starving yourself on a fad diet = I'm not happy. I want her to live, but I don't want her to get sick from a lack of nutrients. I just hope she does things properly, because from what I've read if she follows the diet plan to a "T" then she should be fine, if not.. well... I see a hospital stay in her future. I want her to be healthy, but I want her to be safe as well. I am just trying to stay positive and it's not really helping.

On top of all this, the boyfriend lost his job. They lost funding for the company he works for, so they  had to put him as on-call only. He's getting unemployment, but I hate being the main bread-winner in the household again. It's stressful and aggravating all at once. On top of everything else I feel like I can't handle it. I just want a vacation, and I can't do that anymore. So much for going to Florida....

Any words of wisdom or encouragement posted below would be helpful my dear readers. I could use some right now.

Love ya <3

Some words of encouragement

So the past few days I've been afk from my blog, as well as from my facebook to think about some personal decisions I needed to make in my life. I've done a lot of things in my life, but I rarely admit that I am wrong, so please relish in this moment as I admit this: I have been totally wrong about myself.

Let me explain. All my life I have always thought I'm too fat, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart enough, or I'm not talented enough. All of that has always held me back from doing what I've wanted to do. I always wanted to be the pretty girl through out my life, unafraid of judgment from others, and unafraid to do anything. I've never been like that though because I have held myself back. It's time to make some changes. I am going to better myself and be honest with myself now, right here, and  share with you all why I'm amazing, and what I hope to be.

No matter what people saw, how they look at me, or what I even think, I am beautiful. 2 weeks ago, I weighed 340lbs and I hated myself for it. That's right, I am willing to admit it. I have lost 15 lbs since then and now weigh 325lbs and feel amazing. It's shocking what a 15lb difference can do for you. My favorite t-shirt gets me harrassed:

Proof that I am a dork, but this was taken about 2 months ago. I'm wearing my fav Shirt that says: It's okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either

The shirt in the picture above and I love it. I'll be honest, I may or may not have at least one drink in my system in this pic, and Yes that is a lime a my mouth. (If this picture doesn't prove I'm a dork... the following ones will.) Now... here's some of me back when I was smaller, and a lot more confident in myself:

In highschool, I was a pagent girl. I ran for Miss Kingston 2 years. I never placed but I was determined to show that girls of any size should be allowed to run, because big is beautiful too. I was proud of who I was, I was determined to show the world that I could easily take on whatever they wanted to say and brush it off.

I could be a dork, wear something like this, and people just said "Oh, that's Markie... she's a spazz" and people loved me for it. I can say one thing with certainty... I have spunk, I have an award-winning personality, and I am damn proud of it.

I hammed it up for the camera, but I always acted like this. I was crazy, I jumped over chairs in school, I made funny faces in almost every picture taken of me, I photo-bombed people before it was cool, I made jokes about myself because I didn't care, I sang in the hallways at school at the top of my lungs and didn't care when people told me to shut up.

I had friends that made me signs like this one. I would hold them up and act like a dork and have photos taken just because I loved being in front of a camera. I always put on a smile, act like a dork and enjoy myself in front of a camera. I was a tomboy, and it never bothered me to be a girl at the same time.

When it came time to put on a dress, I cleaned up well though. I love this picture. We were doing a masquerade ball, and I went all out. I got my hair done up, got this beautiful pink dress, and made my own mask for it as well. I went out, and had the time of my life. In this picture, I was a size 16... I am now a Size 24/26 and working on getting back down to a 16. I can say that without a doubt, I am amazingly beautiful in this photo. This is what I want to be, and what I am on the inside. I'm that dorky, awkward, photo-bombing, joke-making, beautiful woman somewhere, and I'm just working on digging her out.

Over the past 2 months... I have met some amazing women that have empowered me. I'm about to tell you why

#1-- Carolyn Setina

It may be on old picture of her, but this girl has some moxie. She's beautiful, she's funny, and she is inspiring. Her blog is geared towards inspiring women and letting them know it's okay to be who you are, no matter what others say. She shows me on a daily basis now that I should be proud of who and what I am, and I'm going to do that. Thanks to her, after I've lost more of my weight and I am more comfortable with myself, I will be joining the Suicide Girls and indulging in some tasteful, semi-nudes of my own.

#2- Elizabeth Chrisjansen

She is a photographer, and slowly but surely becoming someone I look up to in that field. Her blog is a mish mash of things, but shows her talent as a photographer, and I want to be like her in that field someday. I'm working on it but it will take some time. You also have to love the pink hair.

#3 Amanda Moline

Amanda is so sweet and an amazing mom. She has a daughter and a son that are both preemies, and both have disabilities. She loves them unconditionally, and would give them the world if she could box it up and put a bow on it. Her blog documents her life with them, the frustrations and hardships of being a mom of two children with disabilities, and gives reviews on various products and brands. Once I have children, if I am half as dedicated as Amanda, I will be happy.

#4 Heather Frost

She's beautiful, unique and wonderful. She's a lesbian, proud of it, and unashamed to admit to it. I love her to death, and would kill for her hair. Really I would do anything to have hair like hers, I miss mine being long terribly, and seeing her photos reminds me why I'm not cutting it. Also, her go-get-em attitude she gives off makes me think of why I am trying to better myself. Love this girl <3

#5 Ashley Blankenship

Ashley is there for me when I need her, she's always willing to listen to me rant about the stupid boys I live with, and she reminds me of how it's not always about me. She thinks of others first but can stand on her own two feet and defend herself when needed. I love that quality in her, and I want to take it from her.

All of these women are amazing in their own unique way. If I could bottle up their strengths and sell them, I'd be a millionaire. I love them and hope they are going to where they want to be in their lives because God only knows, they deserve it.

My reason for writing all of this: My intention for this blog was to be about beauty tips, tricks, and products. The most important one is realizing you are beautiful. If you don't think you are beautiful, inside and out, then you will never be happy with yourself, and no matter what I write, it won't help you. If you take anything from this blog, take this piece of advice: Love yourself, because you are beautiful as you are, and any tips and tricks I give you, will only enhance what you already are. A beautiful, amazing, and independent woman.


Comment below with who inspires you... I would love to know