Monday, March 28, 2011

Self-Image, and getting a little sentimental

DISCLAIMER: I am a woman, I have a vagina, and I have girly feelings. Just because I am a gamer doesn't mean I am tough as nails and witty all the time. Please understand that the following post will include some touchy subjects, and some personal experiences that are very close to home for me, if not about me entirely. Any negative remarks left in the comments will be deleted and could warrent a nasty response from me because I refuse to take crap from people on the following post. Thanks, and lost of love <3

Warning: This post may cause tugging of the heart strings, tears, the need for hugs, and/or an immense amount of chocolate. Please read at your discretion and keep a box of tissue/something huggable handy.

For those of you that know me personally, you know that I call myself fluffy. For those of you that dont... SURPRISE! I'm severely overweight. I weigh 334 lbs as of this morning. (Yes I posted my weight publicy... What of it?)  I am told I don't look that way, and that I carry it well, but none the less, it is unhealthy for me to be at this weight. My family has a history of obesity and diabetes. If I don't fight it now, I will pay for it GREATLY later. On top of this, thanks to my weight, I have a terrible self image. I look at myself and I see someone who is unattractive and undesirable. I have a wonderful group of friends and an amazing boyfriend that say otherwise though. They all try to support me and help me, but some don't realize how hard it is to lost. I can't run. It hurts to run because of the weight. I get winded if I walk to quickly up the flight of stairs in front of my house. My legs go numb if I sent on the floor because my weight alone cuts off circulation. I am in a very bad state. I'm starting to go out walking more now that the weather is getting nicer, but there is a long road ahead of me, and it's going to be painful. I know this, and I will warn you, it will probably be all documented here. I will sound like I am bitching a lot, but I need to. If I complain to some people they tell me to suck it up, and I just need someone to understand.

This bring me to my point. Never say you can't do it. Never say you are not beautiful. Never say that you are not sexy. To someone you are beautiful. You can do what you set your mind to. You can achieve your goals, it just may be a little painful along the way. I want you to know what I go through, to hopefully inspire some of you to do the same. And if you want to do something like what I am doing, finally dropping those extra pounds, feel free to find me on facebook. I will support you and encourage you because I know it's hard. When it's that time of the month I know that french fries or chocolate or chips is all you want, but it's not a good idea. Maybe a small amount from time to time, but order the small fry, not the "heart attack in a container" size. I know all of you out there struggling with weight can do it. Even if it's just changing eating habits, or starting a work-out regime, you can do it. Don't give up on yourself, because I haven't given up on you. I know you can do it.

Now to a more personal rant. I've had a whole ton of family issues lately. My grandfather is dying of cancer, and I don't want to face it. He had a stroke before I was born, so he doesn't really know me. He sees me as my mom, because I look a lot like her when she was my age, other than I have now been walking 1 year longer than she was. (For those that don't know, my mom had a car wreck when she was 21. She has a T12-L1 spinal cord fracture and it has left her paralyzed for the last (almost) 32 years.) He is so sweet, and even though he doesn't see me as me, he knows I'm special. His face lights up when he sees me. He realizes that I am family, just not sure where I belong, if that makes sense. I can't send him a care package or a letter because the woman that cares for him just throws them away and donates the items I send because she claims "They just upset him" It hurts because the cancer he has is not operable, which means he doesn't have long to live. They arn't doing treatments because it's the quality of life that matters not the quantity at this point. I understand, but I want to be selfish and say treat him until I can visit and say good bye. He's my grandfather, don't I have a say in the matter? I just want one more hug, and a goodbye.

Also, my mom being in the wheelchair, has issues with weight. She has to lose some soon or her weight alone may take her to an early grave. How can you expect someone who is paralyzed from the waist down to lost weight. So she's doing a diet where she is practically starving herself, and she is quitting smoking. Quitting smoking = awesome. Starving yourself on a fad diet = I'm not happy. I want her to live, but I don't want her to get sick from a lack of nutrients. I just hope she does things properly, because from what I've read if she follows the diet plan to a "T" then she should be fine, if not.. well... I see a hospital stay in her future. I want her to be healthy, but I want her to be safe as well. I am just trying to stay positive and it's not really helping.

On top of all this, the boyfriend lost his job. They lost funding for the company he works for, so they  had to put him as on-call only. He's getting unemployment, but I hate being the main bread-winner in the household again. It's stressful and aggravating all at once. On top of everything else I feel like I can't handle it. I just want a vacation, and I can't do that anymore. So much for going to Florida....

Any words of wisdom or encouragement posted below would be helpful my dear readers. I could use some right now.

Love ya <3


  1. Markie,
    You are a beautiful person, inside and out. You can accomplish anything you put your mind to. You're going to be just fine. You know why? Cause I said so, dangit! lol. Seriously, you're a strong, vibrant woman with so much to offer the world. Please don't forget that. I know that weight loss is hard, and I know that fixing your self-esteem is even harder. I can't even imagine how you're feeling with regard to your grandfather, and your Mom, but I'm here if you need to talk. Luff ur face!

  2. Your Beautiful! Thats Fo-Sho! Hey I was 220 and well am again now when I was 16!I went to weight watcher meetings and ate right went for a daily 1 mile walk and lost the weight in no time! Ok well it took two years! but hey I lost it. then i got prego and gained it back but you can do it!

  3. Markie, you're amazing. :) If this helps at all, your life sounds a lot like mine was a couple years back and I'm still here. A lot hasn't changed for me (I'm still overweight), but I'm in a much better place. I'm sure it will work out for you if you just keep going forward. ^_^ I'm also a weightwatcher and they have an incredible program and the staff is great - I highly recommend trying their program, it costs so much less than competitors and it's not hard. I hope you and your mom can find something that works for both of you. If you need to talk to someone about staying motivated, feel free to hit me up anytime. ^_~